Jokes. Random jokes

Bones and Kush were in the shower together when Bones looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid. He said to Kush, What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,

"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."

At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"



RECIPE:

HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town

Think your having a bad day??? imange this: your a siamese twin joined at the hip. ur bro is gay and ur not. his lover is coming over and u only have one arse. gfeel better

lol iced,

whats good about having a homeless girlfriend?

you can drop her off anywhere




whats the same between a tornado and a woman?

theyre both wet when they come and take ur house and car when they leave

lol @ both of you

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party

and umm

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

lol that top 10 is the best lmao

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw

F'n LOL peth!! "I'll hack at your neck with the thin bit!"

my fav quote is: this is not a game of who the f**k are you

Grand theift mario hahahaha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z5XlBHMoGY
Monty python, ministry of silly walks lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqhlQfXUk7w

A KIWI BLOKE WAS ON EARTH DOING THE HAKA.....


Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
KAMATE KAMATE KA-ORA KA-ORA......

The Aliens were very interested in what must be going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing!! So with the Aliens high-technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi blokes head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen....
KA-MATE KA-MATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA.......

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain????.The Aliens watched on.
KA-MATE KA-MATE KA-ORA KA-ORA......

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens then figured these kiwis must be very clever people even with half a brain. So they wanted to see what would happen if they took the remainder of his brain away and left him with no knowledge what so ever! So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down which took the final part of the Kiwis brain. Now surely he won't know anything at all, he should be too dumb to do anything now?

So the Aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing,
WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA..........